I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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