She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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