I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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