so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
