i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
