her vagine was all disorganized.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
