There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
