That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
