Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
