I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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