I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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