im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
