pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Someone signed my nipple.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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