went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
