Swine flu. Run for my life!
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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