youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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