Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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