he was CRYING into my vagina
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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