im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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