We're facebook friends in real life
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
