Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
