Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
