So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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