either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
