Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
