I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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