hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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