Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I want a musical about memes.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
