you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
