Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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