the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
