you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
