My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
