she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
