Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
