I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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