I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
