I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
