she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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