Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
All I want is dick and wine.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
