I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
