I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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