Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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