So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
