just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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