Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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