So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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