you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
