My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
