I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
