I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
