I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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