Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
