Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Mom said you looked used
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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