True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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