I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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