we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
