at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
