Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
