mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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