How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
