You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
