soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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