it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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