my mouth tastes like poor choices
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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