My liver just broke up with me...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
