theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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