WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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